Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
