before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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