Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
