Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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