the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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