i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
