I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
