i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
