Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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