Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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