so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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