my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
