it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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