I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
