I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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