I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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