we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Still dying that you shit outside
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
