You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize