It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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