Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
