So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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