i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize