You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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