why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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