please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
