First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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