im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
