Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
