I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
