She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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