two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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