I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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