YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
