How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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