I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize