I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
