i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
