I seem to have left my pride at pride
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
