Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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