Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
