i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
