i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize