Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
