please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
