I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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