I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I intend to get homeless drunk
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
