$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
