I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the liver wants what the liver wants
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
