He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
