even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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