I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
