He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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