So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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