paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
