someone get that fucking seahorse.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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