Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
