I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
