this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
