I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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