That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
