i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
